How Your Friends Influence You
TALK IT OVER
Have you ever met someone that later you wish you’d never met? Is there a person you wish your husband, wife, son, or daughter had never met? Sometimes people are our greatest regrets because they influence us to ignore our guardrails and step into the danger zone.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Who is someone in your life that has stood by you in good times and bad?
Talk about a time when you saw someone suffer because of his or her relationships. What happened?
Read Proverbs 13:20. Who is a person in your life whose wisdom you rely on? In what ways have you seen his or her wisdom rub off on you over time?
“Judgmental is when I draw a harsh conclusion about you. Good judgment is when I draw conclusions about myself based on wisdom.” To what extent has not wanting to be judgmental drawn you into unhealthy relationships in the past? How does the definitions of judgmental and good judgment change your perspective?
“Friends can be dangerous. And danger requires guardrails. You need to establish a standard that informs your conscience.” In what area of your life do you need to establish a standard? What first step could you take in establishing that standard?
Do you have a relationship that could benefit from guardrails? What can you do to begin to establish guardrails? What obstacles will you have to overcome? How can this group support you?
MOVING FORWARD
Friends influence the direction and quality of your life. Is your core group moving in the direction you want your life to move? Can you be yourself with that core group or do you have to pretend you are someone you’re not? Do you often feel pressure to compromise? If so, it’s time to establish some relational guardrails
MESSAGE
But one thing all humans can agree on,
whether you're parents or not, we can all agree on this thing. Our friends are the ones that determine the direction and the quality of your life. And in the friends area here, this can also be your associates, and this could be people that you allow in close to your area.
Okay, so friends could also be business partners, et cetera. And we've heard the stories in life of people who are on a certain trajectory in life and they meet that one group of people, that one person, and all of a sudden they get thrown off. Course it changes them. And this is why we know that this is true, the friendships that we have and we choose, determine the direction and the quality of our lives.
And for some of you today, this could actually be your story. Maybe you got thrown off track and it took you down a very bad road and now you're in a place of trying to recover from that. See, when it comes to friendships, it's the things that are super wonderful and amazing about friendships. That can also be the most dangerous parts of friendships because we begin to drop our guard when we find someone that we like.
We allowed to let them in a little bit closer and closer into our life because we wanna do that. But if we don't choose the right people, then what ends up happening is we open ourself up to the options for us wanting to crave acceptance from these people. And if they're going to have things for us that they're wanting us to change and do.
We're not gonna think as much about doing it because we wanna be accepted by them cuz they were part of our friendship. And so it's these things that can be really, really dangerous. If you think about 'em, did anyone smoke their first cigarette on their own? Probably not a lot of dick. That was a big no.
A lot of addictive behaviors happen in a group. You know, you might not have even thought about it for yourself, but for some reason you do it. Have you Were single. And maybe you still are single. Have you been surprised at maybe the things you did to impress somebody else, maybe. All of a sudden you're like, oh yeah, I'll do that.
May not be smoking, but it's something else. You're like, oh, I wanna impress them. I'll do this. I don't usually do this. Maybe be a little bit different to what you usually would be. Here's a story. When I was in grade seven, I had this one particular boy that had a big crush on, and he loved Pearl Jam. So of course I started to love Pearl Jam.
You know, I became obsessed with Pearl Jam, and it wasn't until I realized, ugh. I don't have no interest in that kid at all. No, thank you. That I looked at my three albums and CDs. They're called CDs. Back in those days, I looked at the three CDs that I bought and thought, I don't even like Pearl Jam. What are we gonna do with these?
You know, we've all had those moments. Because it's the things that make the friendships amazing and marvelous. They're the things that also make it hazardous for us. Now there's been lots of, um, actual research being done in this area of friendships and decision making, and one of these studies, I'm gonna share a couple with you, but one of these studies was done by a neuroscientist from Northwestern University in the States, and his name was Moran Kef.
And for a decade, what he had done is he had studied different friendships and the way in which people make decisions based on how they associate with their friends. And they started to study the brainwaves of people that were sitting together, that were spending lots of time together, that were becoming really close, and they just, they started to discover that the brain waves nearly looked identical over time.
And here's something that he had written in his little report. He said, the more we study engagement, we see time and time again that just being next to certain people actually aligns your brain with them. We're gonna leave that on, but I'm gonna keep going. He said, if people wanna maximize happiness and minimize stress, they should build a life that requires fewer decisions by surrounding themselves with people who embody the traits they prefer.
Over time, they'll naturally pick up those desirable attitudes and behaviors. Just being next to certain people actually aligns your brain with them. Have a look side to side right now. Who are you sitting next to? Oh, there's a lot of nervous laughter. There is a lot of shuffling of chairs. Ooh, awkward.
Okay. And I was really interested in this. So this week I actually went on and I watched a talk from Harvard University. This one particular guy, um, not just a dude. He actually has studied this stuff, all right? Um, but he has written a book and it's called Connected, the Surprising Power of Social Neck.
Works and how they shape our lives. And his name is Professor Nicholas Christakis. I had to get that right. But as I was listening to his, um, little talk that he was doing, they were showing so much data about the links between, um, different groups and how they can change in obesity and things that they become obsessed with and the way in which they start to make decisions.
But one of the things that really stood, stood out for me was this one statistic where he said there is a 45%. Higher likelihood of making a decision on something because your friend is choosing it than if you were to think of it on your own. That's from studies. So if just on you, on your own, almost half a chance, 50% more chance that you would end up choosing something you would never have thought to do, just because the people around you are doing it.
Now, I'm giving you all this information to show you that this is how humans are wired. I personally believe humans have been wired this way because God intended for us to encourage each other to be around each other, to learn from each other and grow from each other. That's how I see it. But does that mean that if the fuel that you're putting in your proximity is a negative fuel, that all of a sudden that osmosis stops.
Unfortunately not. And when we reflect on this, this is why we can see it is so important that we put guardrails on the relationships in our life. The science shows our brains are gonna start to line up with the things that we surround ourselves with. And if we think about that, it's really kind of frightening to also think how easily I could all of a sudden get off track.
When I think I'm doing pretty well just because of who I'm with, there's so many phrases and quotes. I'm gonna share a little couple with you here before we head into what God says about it. But here's one from George Washington. He said this, it's better to be alone than in bad company. Okay. We all know these sorts of things.
Here's another one.
This one was from w Clement Stone, who was a, uh, philanthropist, an American businessman as well. And he said this, be careful. The environment you choose vert will shape you. Be careful for the friends you choose for you will become like them. This isn't a new thing, okay. That we become like our friends, that we become like the people we associate with.
It is all the way through humanity from the beginning of time. So we need to be aware of it. But today we wanna look at one particular quote from someone super smart. This is King Solomon. So King Solomon, the son of King David of Goliath fame. And one of the things that was awesome about Solomon is that everyone in his time recognized his wisdom.
Whether they believed in God or not, they recognized that King Solomon was wise. And if we have read the scriptures, we know that actually King Solomon was gifted wisdom from God. So when he wrote things down, a lot of that information was directly from God. And so he wrote down in all of these different documents over time.
3000 years ago was when he wrote this down. But we wanna have a look today in Proverbs 1320, and this is what it says, walk with wise. And become wise for a companion of fools suffers harm. I'm just gonna have a look at this first part. Walk with the wises and become wise. You might notice it doesn't say, sit alongside and study with the wise, and you will become wise.
It says, walk with them and become wise. Proximity. It's like a contagion, whether you want it or not. You start to walk with the wises and all of a sudden you are gonna start to take on traits of the wises. And when I thought about Jesus, he went up to his disciples. He had decided, okay, I have a hope for the world that they have not seen before.
People are getting confused about religion and what God's now bringing through me. And he thought, what's the best way to do this? I'm gonna pick 12 other guys that are gonna come alongside me. But he didn't say, come and study alongside me, and we'll sit and we'll study the scriptures. He said, come and walk with me.
Jesus knew if they just walk alongside me, they're going to get to see. Exactly what it is that they should be acting like. The way in which I do things, they'll start to grab that, they'll start to change, and ultimately their brainwaves were starting to change as they walked alongside Jesus. How cool is that?
You do life with wise people.
You become wise, and the thing is, your decision today is actually going to affect the consequence for tomorrow, and that's a big thing to think about. Uh, the second part though, it says this, A companion of fools, however, suffers harm. Again, it doesn't say, if you hang around with a fool, you'll become a fool.
Not necessarily, but it does say, if you are a companion of fools, you're gonna set yourself up for harm in one way or another. Now when we had a look before at what Moran Kef, this neuroscientist said, essentially, he would probably be like, you know, you may not do the behavior. A little bit like what you were saying, KEF, you may not do the behavior, but if you hang along those people, hang out with those people long enough.
You just might. You just might. And just being with those people that are careless foolish, you may end up in harm's way. Yesterday actually, I was, um, at lunch with my, my girlfriends and they were telling me about this story this week, and I didn't know that there was a building in Sury Hills in Sydney.
It's a heritage building that went up in flames. It's one of the largest fires I've had in Sydney for many, many years. So I don't know if anyone heard the news story just this week. So a few days after two 13 year old boys came and gave themselves in and said, We were there, we started the fire destroyed this whole building.
They're unsure if there was some people that passed away or not, but I was talking to my friends and saying, how many of those kids just went along that day with their friend? They're just like, oh, I'm just gonna hang out with my friend today. And one person did something silly or a couple of them did something silly.
There are multiple teams that have been involved. Only two have come forward. But how many of them just thought today, I'm gonna hang out with my mate. Next minute. They've burnt an entire building down. Did they plan that in the morning? I'm positive they did not. Okay. But they hung out with those particular friends and they've put themselves in harm.
Now, regardless of where you are in your journey, of what you believe in God, whether you're, you know, just starting to check out stuff about Jesus. This information is wise information, is it not? If you hang out with wise people, you're gonna become more wise. If you hang out with fools, you can put yourself into harmful situations cuz friends can be dangerous and danger requires guardrails.
And because of this, what do we need to do? Well, this is where we get practical. We need to start to have a standard that we establish to help us inform our decisions and help us with our conscience. Now, this is not when we are younger, you know, we think, oh, I have to watch out when I'm young about which friendships I have.
This is even when you get older, you still have to maintain a standard that informs the decision that you are going to make. Your conscience is such a valuable gift. It's there to be able to guide you. And if you are a person that follows Christ, then I believe the Holy Spirit is a huge part of your conscience.
He will guide and he'll say, well, that doesn't feel quite right, and he, you should watch out for that. And so we get a chance to be able to partner with that. And I feel very blessed that we do have that. But you might be thinking now, but if you are making standards megs, does that mean you're making a judgment on somebody essentially?
So you are looking at someone going, you are not good enough for me. You are not good enough. You are perfect. You may come into, no, yes, okay, but this is not what we're talking about. We don't have the right to judge. But there is a difference between judging somebody and having good judgment for ourselves.
When I make a judgment on someone else, it means I'm making a harsh conclusion on that person and I'm placing that on them. But if I'm using G good judgment, I am making a conclusion for me based on me. I'm not talking about you are not good enough. I'm saying for me and for what I need, this is the judgment I need to put into place.
We need to flip our our thinking in that it's not about making someone else a problem in our life. Everybody has problems, but what is it for me? What is it for my life? Because you know what? I have a certain past that has certain triggers. I have a present life that requires certain things, and I have goals for my future that only I know.
And the people that I placed in my surroundings are either gonna help me with those things, or it's going to be a trap with those things. Good judgment is identifying for me. What does this mean? So what are some of the signs that we might need? Some relational guidelines. Some of the warnings. I've got my little thing here today.
Do you like that? It's like a robotic. I made this especially for you all. You are welcome, but what are some of the warning signs? Because you'll all know them, but maybe you've forgotten them. But here are some signs that you might need some relational guardrails. Number one, wrong direction. You realize that your group, your core group of friends or associates is not moving in the direction that you want for your life to be moving.
Eh?
That is a warning sign. You can either choose to think about that or ignore it. Are you gonna walk wisely? Are you going to become a companion of fools in that situation? Think about it. Next one. Pretending. You catch yourself starting to be something or someone that actually, you know, deep down you are not, but you have to be that way to fit in.
Otherwise they won't allow you to be in that particular group. Warning, warning, warning, pressure to compromise. So if you have certain values or things that you're like, yeah, I do not want to move from these particular things for my life. But you feel the pressure to compromise, to fit in straight away.
Another warning,
and then last of all, secret life. If you are doing something or being somewhere and deep in your mind, you're like, I hope that people I care about don't know I'm here right now. They don't know that I'm doing this right now. Um, I think I might get five of these up. These are big warning signs, and as I said, you might think, oh yes, I know when I was a kid.
Definitely this stuff is still the same for adults. This is still the same for us when we are adults. These are warning signs that we need to put a guardrail into our relationships. So for you with your past, with your present, with what you have got planned and you aim for your future. What is the standard that you need to put into place when it comes to your relationships and friendships?
What is the guardrail that you know is necessary for you to be able to be what you know you need to be? I wanna clarify as well. I'm definitely not saying only choose people that are, you know, the same as you. Get rid of anyone that doesn't fit into the same as you. Create your own little social club where everybody's the same and I have any challenges at anybody.
Happy?
Happy. Joy. Joy. Yeah. We're all happy together. This is not what I'm saying about your friendships because when you think about it, If you're a follower of Jesus, we are actually being called to be like Jesus. And Jesus. He walked with all people. He did not discriminate with race. He did not discriminate with orientation.
He did not discriminate with gender. He met people as they were, and he cared about them and he loved them. Did he say to every one of them? Come and follow me. Come into my inner circle. No. Does that mean he didn't love them? No, he cared for them, but he recognized the relationship here is a different dynamic to this particular relationship there.
So we are not looking to exclude people from our lives and not enter into the brokenness of someone else's life. But we need to put a safeguard in place when we are doing that. In fact, we are being called to go into the brokenness of the world. So even more so, we need to be aware of what that means to safeguard ourselves in that relational guard.
Um, guardrails is not about a lack of love. In sometimes it is actually the most loving thing that you can do for that particular relationship. And for Jesus, he had to be emotionally healthy, he had to be physically healthy, and he had to be spiritually healthy to do what God called him to do. And the same is for us.
If I get myself in a situation where relationally I become destroyed, how am I going to be of any use when God wants me to go into a certain situation? If I'm broken in that particular area because I didn't protect myself. So this is a message for everyone. Even if you are unsure about what God's original plan is or plan is for you, you know what?
You have to agree. You need to be emotionally healthy. You need to be physically healthy. You need to have some sort of idea about what you think spiritually to be able to live in the world that you're going into. So it's a message for everyone and when you have recognized, yep, I need a guardrail in place now I need this based on my past, based on my present, based on my future, it means that down the track you're probably gonna have to have some uncomfortable conversations.
You know, I'm not a person to shy away from an uncomfortable conversation. Um, I used to. But I've learnt over time that sometimes it's actually the most caring thing to do, but you gotta do it in the right way. And if you are struggling with having those kind of conversations and not upsetting other people, well really you kind of have to go with the, it's not you, it's me type deal.
But I wouldn't use those exact words. It's not you, it's just me. But really, It kind of is because we're not making a judgment on another person, but something you might say. And I actually had a conversation with someone recently. Where I was like, this is just, this person's wanting too much from me that I cannot give them.
I have, you know, very draining. And I was like, I, I really care about this person, but I, this is way too draining for me. And I actually said to them, look, I really care about you, but I don't actually have the capacity to help you in the way that you would like. I don't have it. I can help you in different ways, but what you are asking of me, I actually don't have that capacity and I'm not gonna be much of a help.
It actually went down. All right, because was I coming, going? Oh, no, no. Stay away from me. I was actually coming from a place of being authentic and saying, this is too much for me. So you might even say, I'm not emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with what's going on here. So, um, let's reassess how we can help you.
Okay? There's ways in which you can do it, and it is a difficult conversation, but it's better to rip the bandaid off. Quit. Then make it really difficult over a long period of time, you have too much potential in your life. I want this to be known. You have too much potential in your life to be derailed because you avoided one little hard conversation.
I've seen this in people.
They've come to me and spoken about something that was troubling them. Three years later, they came back. Same thing. Oh, did you have that conversa? No, I couldn't. It was too hard. How'd those last three years been? Not fun. If they'd had that conversation early on, it would've been much easier for them.
So super practical for this message here this week, but I wanted to just share with this, this last little bit as we're finishing up today. Um, I was reading with my daughter the other day in Ephesians. And she was doing some devotions. And what I like to do is I let her read and then she writes down her little, um, reflection, but then I like to read ahead either side while she's doing that cause I'm faster, a bit faster than her and get all the context.
And then I kind of coach her a little bit after she's written her little bits and pieces down. And so it was Ephesians and I, I read forward in front of what she had been reading and it was said this in Ephesians one, eight, it says He has showered his kindness on us. Along with all wisdom and understanding, he has showered us with his wisdom.
And in my opinion, when I was reading this, I thought that is such a kindness because I know I am not wise enough to be able to navigate some of the things in my world. I, I definitely know I am not, but to know that I can have God's kindness to be able to give me his wisdom and understanding. That is what gives us the opportunity to be able to dive in deep to see what God's wanting to say to us and walk alongside with him.
So this is our big bottom line. Our friends determine the direction and the quality of our lives, and the reason we think this is important to have this message. And you might have been sitting here going, oh, this is all stuff I already know. It doesn't hurt to hear it again. Because it's very easy to become complacent in our area of our relationships.
And I know that there's a world out there where there's probably people this morning that have woken up and looked in the mirror and gone, how did I get in this place today? Maybe they've looked around and gone, whoa, who's that person in my bed right there? Uh, how did I get in this place? Maybe they've gone, man, three weeks ago I was right on track.
How did I make that decision? And they're looking themselves in the face and they're thinking, how am I now gonna get out of this? And God gives us the opportunity to be able to not have to get to that place, putting a safeguard in place. So just as we finish up, the band's going to play in just a moment, but I want you to think, cuz this really is such a specific thing for you, you only know you deep down.
So for you, when it comes to your relationships in your life, as I've been speaking here this morning, have you maybe had some sort of like that, you know, nervous feeling in your heart? Oh, that person, I've been avoiding that conversation with that particular person. Can I just say, that's probably God's spirit saying hello?
You might wanna address that.
In a loving way cuz he is gentle about that sort of thing. But also, where do you wanna go? Where do you see your future? Not just even in stuff that's happening out in the world, but what about your future with God? Is there somebody that you are thinking, I would love to invest time to start walking with that person because where could that take me?
In my journey of understanding more about God, we have villages. Villages here are exactly designed for this reason. You come in close to other people that are like-minded in the value. Not like-minded in being the exact same copy cut of a person, but you begin to walk alongside each other and all of a sudden you realize, I'm growing, we are growing together, we are changing together, and we get the opportunity to then partner with God and see where are we going next.
So just as we are singing here today, what quality of life are you looking for for yourself? Are there any of those relationships that you can sense? God's just putting it on my heart. I need to maybe deal with that or address that, because the guardrails that he's gonna place for you is what's gonna take you to that future that you see for yourself.
Now. I'd just like to pray for you as we finish up here this morning. Father, we just thank you that you have given us so much wisdom in such practical things for our lives, and as we can see, the way in which you have designed us, so specifically our brainwaves, are to connect with those people around us.
And we just wanna pray right now for the confidence to have the hard conversations if we need to. And also we ask for your spirit to reveal to us who are the people that maybe I need to start walking alongside. Who are the ones that maybe you are calling me to be, um, walking with every single day, having a chance to be able to pray with having a chance to be able to find out more about you with God to take us to those next levels because we know that you have placed people in our lives to be able to encourage and be able to push us forward.
And so Father, we just thank you for this moment, this moment to stop and just reflect for ourselves what is my past, what is my present? But what do you have planned for my future? And we partner with you with that right now. Amen.