Why Control Your Tongue

TRANSCRIPT

 Today is going to be, once again, fairly uncomfortable, because this area of words is very, very important. And we all know it's important, and we all keep stuffing it up. So, we just need to learn some things, very practically. But here's the story he tells, he said, I remember one time our babysitter was looking after Andrew.

Andrew was his son's about seven years of age, and um, she was a teenager, and she had her own license and that kind of thing. And anyway, uh, he went and they went off out for a night, and they came back. early and the babysitter for some reason the Andrew would follow the babysitter outside and so the babysitter drove off and drove over Andrew's arm in the driveway so um as you can appreciate things were like whoa but he goes on he unpacks this story but he says from that moment onwards but Andrew had the upper hand in that relationship she'd come around to babysit you see Andrew Get up to bed.

Clean your teeth. Get into bed. He goes, I don't think so. You remember when you drove over my arm with the Honda Record? You know, I think I'll have cookies and chocolate and Netflix, thank you. She had the upper hand in it. But, he said, the interesting part of it was that this girl was so sorry. She didn't mean, she didn't mean to run over Andrew's arm.

That was not her intent. So they just went, oh, okay. So you've said you're sorry. That's funny. And you didn't mean it? Oh, well, there's no need to take him to the ER and get his arm checked because you're sorry. You know, you said you didn't mean it. There was no intent for it. So, Andrew, you used to go upstairs and suck it up and it'll be fine in the morning.

Have, you know, have a little cry and you'll be okay. Well, that's not what happened. Even though she ran over his arm, they did go to the ER. Why? Even though she said it was an accident. It was an accident. Why? Because there's no necessary correlation between intent and outcome. I can remember when I was in primary school, and this will help you understand intent and outcome, and we had this thing, we were throwing rocks across the road, because we wanted to say there's an empty thing, and we're throwing rocks across the road and we're all having to go, and the intention was to get across there.

One drop short. And it dropped short and it hit the windscreen of this car and there was this almighty explosion because they weren't safe windshields in those days, those days. He comes across, he's yelling and screaming, we are running and scrambling everywhere. And we were so sorry, we were virtually begging, that was not our intention.

But you see intention doesn't correlate with outcome. So we ended up in the principal's office and then he picked out one of these. Now, some of you guys have never seen one of these. You get sent to a quiet place to reflect on what you've done wrong.

we get this and you can hear it. It sounds great. And what we said, he brought this thing out and he had this thing. He was like, he enjoyed every moment of this. And he goes, that's it. Six of the best. And he'd go, hold out your hand. And we were, so we, we, we knew if we could just as it came down, if we could just.

Tilt our hands just a little bit. We get away. But if he caught you. Oi, yeah, oi. Not only did you get six there, then he got six of the best here. I think Mr. Davis would like to bring this back. Now, some of you over the years have seen me wandering around in shorts and cleaning and go, How did you get marvellous calves like that?

Was it, was it your soccer playing? Was it your motorcycle racing? I said, no, it was the principal's office. That's what did that.

Intent does not mean. It changes things, you know, the outcome is not necessarily going to be like that. I've said some things to Anne over the years which I'm ashamed of, but in a heat of frustration, it's just come out. And so I have been quick to apologise and own it. But you know what? I am still in the doghouse for a while.

And if those of you don't know what the doghouse is, ask your fathers. They know all about the doghouse. For a while. Because the intent doesn't matter. They don't actually care about that. You know, sticks and stones will break my bones. That has got to be the greatest, the greatest example of the stupidity of humanity.

Or, it's evidence that there are still aliens living among us that do not understand how we operate. The weight of our words is so, so important. And it's not just the words that we have had spoken of. Some of us are really struggling with words that we didn't hear. You know, some of us needed to hear words like, hey, mommy loves you.

Or dad saying, man, I'm proud of you. Or I believe in you. I'll always have your back. You did such a great job. Or God did such a great job in creating you. These are words some of us have longed to hear that never heard. And it's having an adverse effect on us. That's just the tension of this series is this.

We are very, very quick to recognize when somebody hurts us with their words. We are very, very slow to take responsibility for our careless words, and that should bother us. It should bother us, particularly as Christ followers, because following Jesus, Jesus is a relationship with God, through Him is a relationship with God, and it's the way that people experience God.

We should be known to be in others first. He was others first. We're supposed to be others first. So it should bother us sometimes, the way that our words come out, and what it does in people's lives. Now, if you're not a Christian, I mean, you're not following Jesus yet and you're still trying to explore this, then you're going to still pick up something really great out of this.

All through this series have been lots of really, really great practical relational help. However, if you are a Christ follower and claim to follow Jesus, this is not optional for you. It's not optional for me. We have to get this right. In fact, Jesus delivered his harshest criticism. To the religious leaders because of their careless words and how much they damage people So there was three dynamics in this that we've been working through And and in the first one we talked about what what careful words was like and that's you can play that video It's like a construction site So if you're careful with your words and you're having loving conversations It continually builds up And you're getting more and more strength and more and more value because it is continually building.

The kind words, the nice words, the encouragement. It's actually building up something quite spectacular. Now, the thing is, that's a time lapse. That happened probably over a year, right? Now, the flip of that is if you are careless with your words, you can play the other video, it's like every word is causing another to go off in the relationship.

And each time another one goes off, it gets more and more unstable. And if enough go off, the whole thing comes crashing down. That's the power of our words. That's what we've been trying to help us understand. The weight of our words is so, so significant. It's either building everything up. or it's tearing everything down.

So we learned the words are not equally weighted, which means that I think someone said the statistics now is like for every one negative thing that's spoken into you, it'll take 30 positive things to try and try and remedy that kind of situation. We helped us understand that you got to understand the source.

Source determines weight. You need to know who you are in that relationship. If you are a parent, you have got absolute influence and authority. You have to be so careful with your words. If you are a boss that leads people, if you're in any position of leadership, if you're a pastor, I've heard some pastors say the most incredibly destructive things.

Well meaning, but destructive. Because they don't understand. Who was on the other side and how that message is going to affect them? I can remember one incident I might have shared this at the start like Anne and I have always been really felt like God wanted us to do significant things and we're involved in the ministry and Anne really felt that God had had her in this position and then she sat at a table and someone that she deeply respected Was there and was careless with their words and said well, you know what?

If a woman has a baby around here, she can no longer fulfill her position in this company. And it's like, oh. Oh, well I guess, I know God's called me to this, so I guess that means I don't have, can't have a child at the moment. See the significance of the word, you've got to be, you've got to really think about this.

But what we're going to focus on now is intent is usually irrelevant. Intent is usually irrelevant because there's no correlation between intent, as I said, and outcome. When something gets broken, like if you accidentally break, break a mirror, or I've seen some guys that have these little bobblehead connections, I've never understand why you would have a bobblehead connection, but, uh, if it gets broken, it's still broken.

I do understand when you go over and visit grandma's place, or your mother in law's place, and you break one of those Royal Dalton kind of things. Ha ha ha. I understand that. It's like, but the thing is, it's broken. It's broken. I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. The intent wasn't, it's fine, but it's still broken.

You got to figure out how to fix it. You got to spend all the time on that, finding another stupid Royal Dalton thing, which is going to sit there and never get used for another hundred years anyway, but you've got to do it. Got to fix the broken window. You see, intent is usually irrelevant. Broken is broken regardless.

But the thing is, in the physical side of things, when something's broken, you can see it. But with our words, it's not so easy to see. And explaining does not equal repairing. Just hold on to that for a second. Explaining does not equal repairing. When it comes to hurtful words, and you've been on the other side of them, and somebody is trying to explain their intent, About what they meant.

That is not helpful. That's actually irritating. It is annoying when you're trying to justify your position. Like, I know, I know that I really hurt you and I kinda destroyed you with the words that I said, but you need to understand I had a bad day at work, chewed out by the boss, the doc bit me on the way in, and you keep doing that annoying thing that you're always doing, so that's the reason.

Really? So let me get this straight. I'm the reason you lost it. That's what it says. I'm the reason you lost it. We don't need explanations. What we need is to be glued back together. That's what we need. We need to be glued back together. And an explanation doesn't do that. It just doesn't do that. If you start trying to explain, you're going to try and explain your intent for the reason of the bad things that you just said.

And you're gonna do this, you're gonna say things like this, Ah, well, I didn't mean it that way. Well, that didn't quite come out right. Next one. I was trying just to be funny. It wasn't my intent to hurt you. Do you know what all those statements communicate?

They communicate blame.

I'm actually switching this around because I'm going to blame you for taking the hurtful comments that I said the wrong way. That's your fault. You're too sensitive. You need to grow up, be more professional, be more mature. I didn't mean it that way, so everything should be alright. So you know what?

Explaining sounds like blaming. And then there's something else that happens when we get in this tight, awful, uncomfortable kind of position. Then you want to try and push the explanation and the intent. I've got to get this across the right. So you throw in an apology. And all that does is put pressure and expectation on the other person.

To say, well, you know, I know I really destroyed you with my words, but it wasn't really my intent. And I really think I've explained it to you now, you know, so like, yeah. I've apologized, so what's the problem? Let's just move on. Some of you, some of you are shaking your heads like some of you are reliving your past right now.

It's like, it's like I've said, I've said I'm sorry. I expect you to feel better by now. And we push and we push and when, and we do everything we can to explain our intent and if it doesn't work like some Jedi mind trick, then we hope that we can just do like Dorothy and click our heels together and end up back in Kansas the way that it was before.

This is what, this is how it looks. I said, I'm sorry. Why aren't you fine now? I said, I'm sorry. I explained to you my intent. Why aren't we fine now? Why aren't we back to where we were before I said what I said?

You know, I, uh, I didn't mean to do this. Gosh, I didn't get it right up front. I was angry one day in the car and I got out of the car and I slammed the door. And I happened to slam my three of my fingers sisters in the door. Fingers in the door. Three of my sister's fingers in the door. Slammed them through that.

She was screaming and carrying on and I was like profusely apologizing and it was amazing what happened. Like I, they were black and we opened the door and a couple were broken and this that and I was so sorry and I was, I was so apologizing for everything and the miraculous thing was suddenly after I opened the door and got her fingers out they were perfect.

There wasn't a mark on them anywhere because that's what Jesus would do. It wasn't like that at all. I apologized, my intent wasn't there, but when she opened the door, man, there's black and blue and it's, it's bleeding and it's not, it's not a pretty sight. My intent wasn't there, but the outcome was disastrous because I lost control and slammed the door.

Apologies don't reverse or erase accidental injuries to the body. You can apologize, but it doesn't erase that. But listen to this, apologies don't reverse or erase accidental injuries to the soul. And when you've been careless with words and when you've been hurt, apologies do not heal the heart. They do not bring about security and they do not bring confidence in the relationship.

And if you put an apology with an explanation, it sounds a lot like An excuse. It's just another attempt to shift blame. When word damage is done, we try and do absolutely everything wrong. Because we try and contain things. See, when you have a physical damage and it's hurt, you know, like I shut my sister's fingers in the door, she knew I didn't really mean that, that was quite obvious.

But when you're careless with your words, and when you say some things that are hurting, no matter what you say, at the end of the day, I'm not so sure, I can't be sure that that's not really the way that you view me, and that's not really the way that you value me. I can't be sure because I'm just not sure.

With broken things, it's easy to see. But with broken people and broken for words, it's not so easy to see. So I want to just look at a little portion of scripture out of the book of James. James was the half brother of Jesus, same mother, different father. And he had to grow up, spare a thought for him, he had to grow up with his big brother being the Messiah.

I mean, what would your big brother have to do to convince you that he's the Messiah? So James struggled, He struggled a little and until after Jesus predicted his own death, burial, and resurrection and pulled it off. And then he pretty much decided I am going to believe. And I'm the same. Anybody that predicts the death, burial, and resurrection pulls it off, I'm going with that.

As far as I'm concerned when it comes to eternity and faith, it's a one horse race. There's only one bin there, come back and show them the way. So he had to deal with that growing up. Growing up having your brother, big brothers and messiahs, nothing, you know, wouldn't have been nice. But this is what he wrote because he became very prevalent within the church and the pastoral side of the church.

This is what he said in James chapter 3, he said, We all stumble in many ways. Now if we stop there, I'd go, man, I have arrived. I've arrived. I stumble in many ways, that's good. He says, anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect. What? Anyone who's not at fault in what they say is perfect. I've still got some work to do and I'm gonna guess that most of you have still got some work to do.

James is saying if you can learn to control your mouth, you've kind of arrived, you're at a level of maturity that is perfect. Basically he's saying in this, mouth control. Put it up. Ah, there it is. Mouth control is the ultimate self control. Some of you need to put that on the mirror. Maybe put it on the fridge.

Put it somewhere where you can see it to remind yourself because some of us are more prevalent to, being out of control with our mouth than others. So you do need, and you just really understand that every time you do something and you do something that is hurtful and careless in words, that is another charge that is going off, that is demolishing the building that you're in.

And eventually you will lose all credibility and the thing will come down. We've got to take this serious. James goes on to say this. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also like a fire. Your tongue, your mouth, it's a fire, it lights fires. If you don't control it, you will light fires.

And then when you try and contain it, you'll end up spreading the fire. And the fire spreads, and what it does is it burns, literally burns us to the ground. That's what happens. And if you're careless with your words, you'll burn all your relationships, your spouse, your children. Your college people, friends, school friends, employees, if you're careless with your words, after a while they won't, they just won't trust you that your words are actually able to be trusted.

These words spoken out can actually undermine our self esteem because, you know why we know that that is a fact? It's because some of you are like burning cinders. Like you've been on the other end of someone that's unleashed on you with careless words and you know what it's like to be burnt to the ground.

You So the question is, how do you put a mouth fire out? Well, we've already talked about it. You don't try and contain it. You don't kind of try and contain it. You don't try and justify it. You don't try and explain it, which is actually our natural inclination. That is where you're going to go first because you don't like to be thought badly of.

None of us do. So you're going to try and quickly, if you can, make yourself come out of this looking good. That is a bad, bad move. That's why explaining doesn't work. It just spreads the fire more and more. When you try and explain something that you've done, that's hurtful. Essentially all they're hearing is you have no idea what damage you just did to me by your words.

You got no idea. It doesn't help at all. What you've got to do is extinguish it. Don't try and contain the fire, extinguish the fire. And you say, well, how would I extinguish a word for, I'm glad you asked. Here it is. Two things. Humility. Large amounts of humility. Humility is where you realize, I have screwed up here, but I'm going to put your needs ahead of my needs.

I'm going to elevate you, and I'm going to take the servant role following what Jesus did. I'm going to take responsibility for this, and I'm going to own it. So you've got to have humility, and then you've got to have sensitivity, because you've been insensitive. And insensitivity is only fixed by sensitivity.

If you try and explain away why you said what you did, and when the damage is done, you're just trying to elevate yourself and protect yourself from the final outcome. But humility, that does the other thing, it elevates the other person. So let me show you how, very simply, how you put a word fire out that you've started with careless words.

Here it is. I'm so sorry.

And the next piece? You shut up. Anything you say beyond that is going to sound like you're trying to justify, sound like you're trying to work out your intent, trying to control the environment. It's going to be a disaster. I'm so sorry. Let's say that out loud. Come on. I'm so sorry. It's not too painful, is it?

Try it again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Now, I know that some of you cannot stop at three. You have so many words. You cannot stop at three and you don't know what to do in the silence because it's awkward. This is just really awkward. So here's what you can do. I'm so sorry. There's no excuse for what I just said.

You didn't deserve that. And then you can look back and go, I'm so sorry. So I've covered both spaces. Those that are just happy with three words, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Those that aren't, I'm so sorry. There's no excuse for what I just said. You could add in, I'm a complete jerk. You could do that if you want to.

You didn't deserve that. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. That's if you, if that's not enough words, you could put a few others in there, but direct it towards you. And you know what happens when you say that and you pause and you stop, it's so uncomfortable. Because you're giving them the invitation, you're creating space.

And in that space, You've got to stop and you've got to realize you cannot take charge of the restoration process. You're going to want to. You're going to want to explain and show the intent. There's a reason why. No, you just say, I am so sorry.

And they get to choose the pace of restoration. Don't tell them how bad you feel. Because if you tell them how bad you feel, they're going to go, that's irrelevant. You should feel bad. You made me feel bad. But when you tell them how bad you feel, that's a request for empathy. And you've just damaged them.

You've just hurt them. You don't deserve empathy at this point in time. You need to sit in it and you need to own it and you need to learn from it so that you don't keep making them a same mistake with your careless words. Because when you do that, it's like you're asking to say, would you feel sorry for me?

I know I devastated you with my words, and I was very unkind and it was horrible and that, but you know what, I'm feeling very uncomfortable now and I could do with a little love. You don't deserve it at that point in time. Own it. And whatever you do, don't ask for a hug. That's the final push. Oh, can I have a little hug?

That's a request for proximity. And that's up to them, the offended, to initiate. You have to give them space so they can process, deal, and initiate the pace of coming back. Now, parents, you have to learn this as your kids get older, because you're going to get frustrated with your kids. Oh, maybe it doesn't happen in your household, but you're going to get frustrated.

And you're going to say some things that you wish you didn't say. And then you're going to go straight on the intent of explaining it. Explaining why you did the things you do and this and that and then try and shift the blame and then you're going to move it around and then you're going to try and say give me a hug.

Come on, let me give you a hug. You've got to give them space. You've got to give them space to heal and a space to decide, hey, I want to return. I want to engage. This is hard. This is hard, guys. This really is hard. And then the final thing is going to come as a surprise to you. Don't ask for forgiveness.

Not at that point in time, because forgiveness is a gift. It's a gift and you took something from them and you wounded them and you damaged them. You, you gotta wait until they grant you forgiveness. And you gotta give them space. And that is horrible because it means I have to sit in the guilt of my careless words.

While they sit in the pain associated with my careless words. And you have to trust. That when they see the humility and the sensitivity in you, they're gonna invite you back into the process. And whatever you do, please, please, please do. Do not pull out scripture. Don't bring God into this. I've seen this so many times.

Well, I know I offended you, or I know I said that, but you know what Jesus is. You gotta forgive. You gotta forgive because if you don't forgive, God's not gonna forgive you, and you are going to Hell

You probably didn't put the hell on the end, but you got everything else in there. Why? Because we're so uncomfortable, we want it repaired, we don't know how to repair it, so we're gonna try and demand it, and you can't do that. And you can't take scriptures out of context to do that. You've got to say, humility, put them first, realize I've done the damage, I'm the offender.

And I've got to give them space and they've got to know that I'm sorry I'm owning this thing and give them space for the restoration. This is how all marriages end up in disaster because no one knows how to do this. So we've looked at what the weight of our words is not equal, depends who you are as the source and intent is irrelevant.

So what do you do then? What are you going to do? Because you are going to mark this up. Just being up front, you won't get this right all the time. But listen, when you do, don't, don't try and explain it. Don't try and kind of like attempt to contain the fire that you have caused. Just extinguish it. Just say, I am so sorry.

And if you could pause there, let's leave it and just let the break happen. If not, I'm so sorry. There's no excuse for what I said. I'm a jerk. No, you don't leave that off. You didn't deserve it. I'm so, so sorry. I heard, just this week, I heard of a boss. We were having a conversation out there. This boss was having a, he had 30 of his colleagues on a round call on Zoom.

And anyway, one person gives a presentation. So now the boss is there, and anyway, he's got his second hand. So he gets on his mate on Zoom, and types this thing out and says, This guy's a complete idiot. He's got no idea what he's doing. He's clueless. Only trouble is, he didn't make it private, so it went to all 30.

And I said to the guy, I said, How's it going at work now? He goes, Oh, I'm not good. No one wants to do a presentation, and no one's going anywhere near that boss. See he's totally, he's started a fire now. Unless he follows this, nobody's ever going to trust him again. Nobody's going to share. No one's going to be open.

No one's going to be vulnerable. So, here's the question. What have you got? Or who do you need to go and just say I'm so sorry? Where have you hurt someone? Damaged someone? Coworker? Friend? And don't try and explain it. Just own it. That's it. I talked about this in the first part of the series too, to help us get this right.

How do you initiate it? You are the offender. So there's some stuff in there. And it's really difficult and it's going to be very difficult for you if the person that you need to speak to happens to be sitting beside you right now, close by. That's a little awkward. So you're going to have to lean into it.

It's going to, you're going to, there's no other way out of it. You just gotta own these things. I'm trying to be as open and vulnerable. We had one last week. Um, because we spent so much time Unhitching from the old covenant and making sure that we're not being pulling stuff from the old into where we live in the new covenant With jesus we follow jesus follow jesus teaching as that worked by the apostles And also not bringing rome into the church the business corporate practice that i'm i'm hyper sensitive to it So anytime there's anything that looks like it's something that's trying to control The the gospel being freely going I just get twitchy and sometimes real twitchy And anyway, we We've been working through something, because Ruthie's been saying to me, she knows I'm talking about this.

She said, um, we have to get some better HR principles in there. We've got to get these policies, and we've got to get this and the other. And I'm getting more and more twitchy about this, and I'm getting more and more, because I feel like I'm a defender of the gospel. I'm making sure this doesn't come in, and this doesn't come in.

But I was just I don't know. I kind of hit the wall on it and I was, I kind of, I don't remember exactly what I say, but I just, I displayed my annoyance about how bad this is, how it follows these policies and procedures right up this thing. And I, I caught a glimpse in her eye and I thought, Oh, I've done something here.

Uh, and to her defense and in her brilliance, she just, she just pulled me right up and she said, you know, when you say that, that really hurts me. That really hurts me. And I said, why? I'm just explaining my frustration is my intent thing. Just blame my frustration. I'm just trying to keep the business stuff out and I'm doing my thing that God's told me to do.

Yeah. But she said, but I'm the one that's doing all the work to try and make this work in such a way that it doesn't look like that. So whatever we bring in to protects, it protects everybody. And it's still a spirit led process. And I just have to say, I'm so sorry. It can happen and it's going to happen.

It's going to happen in every relationship that you have. It's your ability to actually not try and justify and explain that's going to call it, that's going to bring about healing. Paul said it this way. He said, don't let any unwholesome words come into your mouth, but only words that are good for building up others according to their needs.

So everything we do should be about building you up according to your needs. I was in the bathroom just before, just throw this in, and a young man came in there, I think his name's Chase, I think, and I said, how you doing? And he goes, hey, great! He said, how you doing? I said, oh, not bad for an old fella, but I'm still young at heart.

And he, and he just, it's some great words, and he just said, well it's got to be good, man, you're in church, right? Awesome! Nailed it! Perfect! Can you imagine what would happen if we, if, if everybody understood this? This is what Jesus meant when he said, Love one another the way that I've loved you. Lay down your lives for one another.

Don't try and, you know, don't try and control things. Elevate each other up. Love each other up. Give each other space when things have happened. You know, let the other person that's offended set the pace of the restoration. And don't try and make excuses, just say, I'm so sorry. We're going to let that go.

Just, it's over to you, you decide. You get to decide the pace of things going. So, as I said, it's a pretty prickly, it's been a prickly kind of three weeks, but a very important one. And you need to get back and listen to this and, and just process this a little bit more about how you outwork it. But it's been very much in the practical side of things of outworking some of Jesus teaching.

But I felt like there's another space that we needed to, just to look about, to just deal with this. thing about the importance of our words. So let me just pray to cover this part and then I'm gonna just change gears a little bit. So Father I just thank you for the way that you lead us and Lord I these mouths of ours they do start fires and sometimes we just try and figure out how to how to figure it out and, and then try and control things.

And Lord, help us to not take control. Help us just to love and help us just to own it straight away. Cause we think I'll deal with it later. We don't deal with it later. It gets worse later. So help us to just own it, to just say, you know what, it was what it was. And I'm so sorry. And I'm put you, you, you get control here and about the rate of how things work.

So Lord, I just thank you that. Maybe you would help us to be okay with, once you say I am so sorry, to sit in that space of feeling a little bit of guilt and a little bit of shame because of what we've said or what we've done. That's not necessarily bad, Lord. That enables us to feel the weight of our words and how they've affected us.

So, Lord, teach us how to be able to do that. Just teach us how to love each other the way that you have loved us. And, Lord, I am I hope I'll be more careful with my words and, and each of us will here because that's how people see Jesus and that's what they need to see. So Father, we just thank you in Jesus name.

Amen.