Why Do Your Words Matter?

 TRANSCRIPT

We've all been told that actions speak louder than words, right? And when it comes to sizing up maybe strangers or new acquaintances, maybe that is the truth, that our actions do speak louder. But when it comes to personal relationships, ones where we have close contact in family, friends, an intimate relationship, then I'm wondering if that's not as true.

So louder, or to the point of this series. series, the weightier the words become in those relationships and their capacity to leave a mark for good or bad, to build or destroy, encourage or discourage, inspire or wound are really powerful. Even words left unsaid. Unsaid words can impact the trajectory of a person's life, the direction in which we go.

I've never had anyone quote to me anything that a neighbour. didn't say to them, or even a friend didn't say to them, but I have had so many conversations with people in life who can quote back three or four words that someone close to them never said. Often in tears, someone they loved who never said, I love you, or I'm proud of you.

They are words left unsaid. And if this elicits an emotional response in you, if you feel emotional about the fact that I'm saying this, those words, then maybe those words that have been unsaid in your life have been something that have impacted you and maybe carried a lot of weight. Because words carry weight.

The words we say matter. As you can see from the Slido just a minute ago, the number of negative words on that Slido that you shared that have impacted me. Your life and the direction of your life. They are, or can be crushing. I wonder if you've ever been crushed by words maybe as a teenager, did anyone ever hear the words from someone you really liked saying.

I don't really think we can be any more than just friends. So was that something you heard as a teenager? Oh, we're not just friends. I think of you more as a brother or a sister. And you were crushed. You were thinking, I can't go back to class. I've got to go home. I'm so embarrassed. They were words that crushed you as a teenager in those years when you really liked that someone.

You didn't want to be their brother or sister. You wanted to date them. them. You may be, maybe you wanted to marry them. But you were crushed in that moment. It was something that you remember now or can recall. Over our lives, we have been shaped by words that have been spoken to us, over us, at us, and about us.

I wonder if any of these are true. connect with you. These are words that are, I think, multi generational. Maybe you've heard them. You're a loser, nerd, geek, dumb, stupid, crybaby, freak, teacher's pet, know it all, four eyes, fat, chubby, shorty. Am I listing them all here? You're a chicken, meaning that You're maybe afraid of too many things.

You're so lame. You're such a baby. Slowpoke. Dirtbag. That's Kev's favourite. Dirtbag. There's a movie quote in there somewhere. I wonder if you know what movie it is. But, specifically, they are possibly multi generational words that You have heard or been called in life. For those preteens who are in our room this morning, I wonder if you know what you're such an NPC means.

So I did check with my kids because I'm so old but an NPC, actually someone my age this morning knew what that was, Pauline knew. A non playable character in a video game, and apparently they are super lame. So it is a Gen Z way of saying you're so lame, you're an NPC. Or that's a you problem, or that's a skill issue, our Gen Zs are saying that.

And my favourite, Kev's favourite, you're such a boomer. Okay, now not to pick on generations, but that would imply that if you are a Gen Z person saying that to your friend. It's a derogatory term or a way of saying you're so out of touch. I asked my kids this week what are words that have been said to them that they can remember and I can't even repeat what my nine year old said because I would need a profanity buzzer for what was said to him.

I was floored because he didn't tell me in the moment that a friend had said this, a friend had said this to him, but he. What he repeated to me was awful. Some awful words that had been spoken over him saying that he was something he is absolutely not with a big swear word right in the middle. I didn't even know he knew that swear word, but he knew the way to say it to me where he wasn't really saying it.

And I was surprised and we had a big conversation about why he should never believe those words that were said about him. And he said, I know mom. So obviously we have. that conversation often, but words that maybe your nine year old self is remembering words that a friend or someone important in your life said to you.

Words said directly to you can impact the direction of your life. They can shape our childhood, our marriage, our personal relationships. They can shape the way we think. The way that we parent, they can shape who we see in the mirror when we're looking in the mirror. And perhaps the words spoken to you or over your life, even at some point, have given you anxiety.

Maybe you were told you couldn't do something and it's taken a lot for you to say it. step out and do it. Nobody would argue that words have impact. We can all agree that they have impact on our lives, but we are often slow to recognise. So we're quick to recognise the words can impact us, but we can often be slow to recognise that our words can impact others.

We use our words irresponsibly at times, not on purpose always, but mainly because we don't realise that our words actually carry weight. We seem to have a different standard for us and the words that we say to others compared with the standard we have for the words we would like to hear. from people in our world.

There's two different standards there. Our words carry more weight in specific relationships. So words have the potential to destroy or build up, undermine as well as inspire, which should impact all of us no matter who you are. So today's message is good advice for everybody. the weight of our words. To consider that the weight of our words have impact is a good thing for us all to remember.

But here in the room today, if you are a Christian, there is an extra weight that we have that we carry because as a Jesus follower, recognizing the weight our words have on other people is not a good thing. It is something we must pay attention to. So if you're not a Jesus follower in the room today and you're tracking along with us, I'm sure that there will be something you can take from the message today and apply to your life as good advice.

But if you are a Jesus follower today in the room, I want to talk to you about three dynamics that are at work in every conversation that we have with people who matter most to us, our family, our friends. Our co workers, maybe our employees if you're a boss. Three dynamics that determine what people hear when we say the words that we say.

So we've all been on the receiving end of all three, which means it should be easy to keep it front and centre in our mind, but we don't always do that. A little bit of incentive to start out first is, Jesus followers, we have to get this right. As I've said, it's not an optional part of being a Christian.

It's actually baked in. It's required of us. In his letter to the Christians in Ephesus, Paul the Apostle reminded his audience of Jesus new covenant command to love one another. one another as he loves us. So our version here, and it's on in our foyer on a poster out there, is what does love require of me?

When I'm not sure what to say or do, I can ask myself or ask yourself, what does love require of you? It's such a great question. When we are unsure of how we should approach a situation, how we should deal with a particularly difficult relationship, we should ask ourselves, What does love require of me in this situation?

Ephesians five, verse one and two is Ephesians is a book in the new part the new Testament of the Bible. Paul says, follow God's example. Therefore dearly loved. Children. And then we can maybe cue the violins and lift up the lighthearted music because then it says, and walk in the way of love. So does that sound soft and romantic?

A little bit passive, maybe just nice. Walk in the way of love. How nice is it to walk in the way of love? Actually walking in the way of love is not romantic. passive and soft. It is bold. In the first century Christians walked in the way of love as it was modelled by Jesus. And it was offensive. It was intentional.

It was often sacrificial. It was a choice people made. So remember as Jesus followers, we get to choose whether or not we follow Jesus. That's a choice that you can make. You can choose to or not to. But Following that choice, we do not get to choose what that looks like, acts or sounds like. Those things are prescribed for us when we choose to follow Jesus.

So Jesus didn't leave that as an optional extra. It was actually modelled for us by Jesus in the Gospels. Christianity is not an other's choice. Sorry, Christianity is an other's first life orientation. I wrote that in bold in my notes because I think it's so important to remember that Christianity is an other's first life orientation.

Ephesians It says, follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us. So just as Christ loved us is by very definition, the way that he loved us is he gave his life for us. He took, his life was taken from him. It's a dynamic that launched the movement and changed the world.

And here's what it looks like is that Jesus actually sacrificed for us. He gave himself up for us. So the whole scripture, follow Christ or God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. It's right there in black and white telling us what we need to do.

If you want to know what the way of love. Acts sounds looks like, then we follow Jesus through the Gospels. The way of love was sacrificial and Jesus was the servant of all. Paul applies this specifically to the words that we speak when he says the way of love, the Jesus way, sounds like in Ephesians and this is our key scripture for today is do not let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth.

Now unwholesome words are words that are distasteful, stinky maybe. In the first. century, it was likened to smelly fish in a marketplace that wasn't eaten on time. So unwholesome words and we are to stand guard over the stinky, rotten, unwholesome words that may come out of our mouth. So if you look into the scripture there, it talks about putting a gate on your mouth and we have a visual representation of that, a gate on your mouth.

So if you imagine the stinky, unwholesome words behind that, the tongue, the Bible has so much to say about the tongue, which I don't have time to go into today. But if you look at the power of that tiny muscle in our mouths and how it has the ability to change lives because of words like That is spoken.

We could spend a whole message series on that, but we could stop right here in the message today and say, go to work on that for a week. Just doing that. Putting a gate on your mouth and stopping the unwholesome words from coming out. 29 just to read further is says, Do not let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth.

But only are the next two words. But only. Now, if you're a Jesus follower, I'm reminding you again that this is not an optional extra. He's saying, But. Only words. So we have to be selective. We have to check the ID of the words. We have to say we are not carrying any stinky, unwholesome words in a backpack, carrying them through, trying to sneak them in manipulative words.

We're not doing that. We are only, but only words that are good for building others up according to their needs. That's such an important part of the scripture. No unwholesome words should come out of our mouths, but only words that are good for building others up according to their needs. So you might think at this point, that sounds a bit soft again, unproductive.

Can you raise kids this way? Can you do performance reviews at work this way? Can you teach a class of students this way? I don't know. It sounds soft. It sounds maybe I wouldn't achieve anything if I tried to do that. Can I just put it to you today that it is not. It is actually bold. Paul's point in this scripture was not to be nice.

So it's not saying only let nice words come out of your mouth. It's saying his point was to use words that build others up. But only words that are good for building others up according to their needs. That's the other part that we will unpack in just a minute. So words are like building materials. If I take my words to a conversation, a construction site, I should finish that conversation and the other person I'm talking to should feel built up when I leave.

They should be better for the conversation that I've had. So if you think about it like a construction site and your words are the materials that you are bringing, when I'm finished there building at that construction site with my words in conversation with the other person, they should leave better.

better built up when we finished that conversation. For that to happen, we have to be students of the other person. We have to listen and understand and actually tailor our words to their needs. Kev does this well in the, When he's looking for opportunity to talk about Jesus with someone he doesn't know, he will, in a conversation, listen.

What is the person saying? And with the other ear, listen to the Lord and say, God, what is it that you want to tell this person today? As human beings, we naturally think about ourselves more than the other person. It's something that we have to develop. James in the New Testament says that we need to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

Because Paul says, The goal is only to say words that are good for building others up according to their needs. This is where sometimes I struggle, or maybe it's just me, but maybe you struggle too. I'm sometimes confident that what I have to say is what they need to hear. So I just want to say that.

Especially as a parent, talking to your kids. Do you ever just know what they need to hear and change? So you go and tell them. You say, this wasn't right and you didn't do that and da and before you know it, you've had a rant. And you feel much better. I've done this. I feel much better. But do they feel better?

Does my child feel built up? Did I say to them what they needed to hear according to their needs? No, I said what I needed to say. And I thought they should feel better because I feel better once I've said it. I've done that. I've had a rant, done my parenting, walked away. They're thinking, wow, mum's in a bad mood today.

Stay away from her. Not coming out of my room for the rest of the day. All of those things because I didn't have the conversation, engage with them according to their needs. What's going on with you today or what's going on for you today? Might be a better way to approach the rant than walking in and, so seeking to understand, trying to listen, hearing where they're at.

I'm confident that I feel so much better once I've said it and sometimes I just don't understand why they don't feel better too. But the truth is most of us, because we are human, are more dialed into our needs than the needs of people around us and what they need to hear. Sometimes we hesitate to say they need to hear because it's uncomfortable or because we are fearful of saying it because we are worried about loss of relationship and we are thinking about ourselves.

And it's fine to have that approach if I care more about me than I do about you. But, if I am seeking to walk in the way of love and live as Jesus did, I need to make it about them and not me. Because Jesus didn't make it about him. He always made it about other people. Always. And he leads us the same. in the same way and encourages us to do that with our words.

This is why this is baked into following Jesus. This is why this is not an optional extra. It's just something we have to do if we have said that we are a Jesus follower. Seeking to walk in the way of love is challenging. How will I do that every day? It's a challenging thing. Mark 10 verse 45 says, For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many.

So he Jesus came, the most important person on earth. He didn't come to say, look at me, look what I'm going to do. He just served people. And he sets a great example for that. And that is how we need to parent. That is how we need to employ. That is how we need to fiance, if you're in that relationship.

That's how we need to manage, how we need to neighbor, how we need to romance. That is how we need to love. The way of love was sacrificial and always others focused. Ephesians 4 verse 29 again says, but only words that are good for building others up according to their needs. And then this is the purpose clause at the end of here, and this is the win, the goal, that it may benefit those who listen.

So benefit. Words that will build others up according to their needs, what they need, what do they need to hear today, so that they walk away a better person, so that they benefit. Our words should be a gift. The words that we share with others, either immediately in the moment, and I'm not saying we don't say hard things, because that can be the easy way, right?

Just to shy around it and think, I'm not going to say the hard thing because it won't be build them up. If we have relationship and our intention is right and we share things in love, it can benefit the person. Maybe not immediately in that moment, but we want to say it in such a way that they will circle back later and go, actually, that thing you said to me, I recognize that it was said in love.

And, I'm going to make these changes. Our goal should be when we share challenging things, we do want the person to receive them. We need to have relationship with that person and know that they can receive what we are saying. Our intent is as important as the content that we are sharing. It's hard to receive difficult words and content when we suspect someone's intention.

If I don't think you care about me. I am already listening with one ear shut because I'm like, Oh, I'm not sure. But if I know that you love me, I will receive feedback and criticism even said in love in a different way. As Jesus followers, it's so important that we get this right. I often have heard people say, but I was just being honest.

And shouldn't we be honest because the truth sets you free. Okay. As an excuse for saying all of those bad things I wanted to say to that person, can I just say as a side note, and this isn't a message on honesty, but honesty is not saying honesty is saying only things that are true. But honesty is not saying everything that is true.

If I say everything that is true in every relationship, I'm not going to have any friends. Okay? So honesty is saying what is true, truth in love, but it is not sharing everything. That is true. It is sharing only words that are good for building others up according to their needs. This is what following Jesus sounds like.

And it brings me to the first, don't worry, when I got to this part of the message with Kev, he said, the first, your message is far too long. I said, no, I'm only sharing the first. Okay. The first one, Pastor Len shares the second and Pastor Kev shares the third over three weeks. But this brings me to the first of three dynamics in conversations with the people closest to us.

They are things we should consider as we expect others to, that words are not equally weighted. Some words weigh more than others. And specifically, Negative words weigh way more than positive words. I wonder if we could say that together, just to wake you up, because I'm talking a lot as well. Let's say that phrase together, just so that it syncs in.

Negative words weigh way more than positive words. Depending on which study you read, it takes five to nine positive comments to counterbalance one negative comment. Now that's probably with casual marketplace communications, maybe friendships, workplaces, but in a marriage or a parent child relationship, it is more like 30 negative words, sorry, 30 positive words to outweigh one negative comment.

Thoughtless, negative word. Growing up, you don't remember much of anything you said to your parents, right? But I bet you remember some key things that your parents said to you. It's that relationship. Maybe conversations that started with son, never forget. You might not remember anything that followed, but criticism or a cynical comment or comparison Words have the power to wound and we are responsible for our words.

Think about again that image of the gate on the mouth. We are responsible for those words that we say and how they impact the world around us. So we are going to slip up, especially with people that we love because they are in our lives every day. The only way to get out of that is to not be in family anymore.

It's imperative that we load up on positive and constructive words. If you're a parent, teacher, boss, manager, even partner, marriage partner, or in a relationship, loading up on the positive words is how you maintain influence. I touched on that earlier, that intent is as important as content. People need to know that you care before they will listen to anything that you have to say.

It ensures that constructive, positive and constructive criticism is received and can be acted on. It ensures that the negative comments result in positive change. So we don't ever, as a parent, really want to rant at our kids and for them to stay the same. We actually do want what's best for them. I've never ever met a parent who doesn't want what's best for their child.

We do. But how we deliver the rant? or the feedback is so important because we want our words to result in positive change. And to do that, we need to walk in the way of love.

Sorry, I'm looking at my time. I'm going to skip, skip. Okay. If we ignore this principle, correction will be experienced as coercion or manipulation, and negatives just become noise. Love requires that we remember that words are not equally weighted and that negative words weigh more. Negatives are sometimes necessary, but they bounce and wound if they are not the exception.

So we've been told having too much of a good thing is possible and that might be true in some arenas, having too much of a good thing, but I have never met anyone who traces the root of their problems back to too much encouragement. Okay? Ever. Ever. Ever. I was encouraged too much. So I definitely can't do that.

That's just not something you hear ever. Too much encouragement. It's not a thing. So let's overdose on encouragement, support, positive words. I've heard so many people share, if you think something good, say it. Cause how often I do this all the time, I think good things. Actually a few weeks ago, I don't think they're here, but someone I thought, Gee, her hair looks nice today.

It's amazing. I love it. Anyway, I never said it. And I got home and I felt challenged that I didn't go and it's just, it may seemingly have been a silly thing about hair, but I was like I'm going to text her because, and sorry, I didn't tell you today. Your hair looks amazing. But it was God reminding me that saying the positive thing Because who knows what that person needed to hear.

And if I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to say that, maybe they needed to hear that their hair looked amazing today. Okay. So maybe think about things that don't only focus on appearance. I say this to my kids all the time. Complimenting on what someone looks like is not as powerful as complimenting them on a character or a decision that they made or their personality.

their choice about something because that's who they are. We are not what we look like. And always giving a compliment on the external sends the wrong message. We really want to be looking for what are those things internally that we can be positive about. Some people find this easier than others. And you might be sitting here today going it's fine for you.

But I grew up in a home where the soil was all negativity. My family was negative. It was always negative. There, it was. Glass is half empty and maybe that's you and that is hard. Changing the soil in a toxic negative environment is a difficult thing. That is something the Holy Spirit can do a work inside of you on a daily basis to change those negative thoughts, something you need to press in for.

But some of you on the other hand are wired for There's a few people sitting in this room and Jackie came to mind as soon as I was preparing for this message. Jackie only ever says positive things, always encouraging and just can share that. So there's positive people. Mary, you are amazing.

I don't like me pointing you out, but one of our young people who is always positive. She's always you're doing such a great job. Thank you so much. She was on the door this morning. Did she hand you a note? You handed out some beautiful notes to people as they came in. Encouragement. See, there are people who are wired for encouragement.

Maybe if you're one who's not, go and rub up against that person and go, how do you do it? Get some tips about encouraging. I find reminding myself, I'm a sticky note person. I have too many sticky notes of lists I need to do. But it goes on a sticky note, it gets done. I also like it because I can throw it out once it's done and I have less of a list.

But write a sticky note, stick it on the mirror. Be encouraging today. Who will I encourage today? It takes time to reprogram, but I want to challenge you to be encouraging with your words. So two questions to wrap this up. Where do you have work to do and who hopes you'll get to work soon? Two questions so challenging.

Where do I have work to do and who in my world Hopes I get to work soon. Are my kids going? I hope she gets to work on that soon. Are your children or family sitting here today doing the elbow? I hope they get to work soon. Okay, so they're two personal reflections. Where do you have work to do? Who hopes you get to work soon as Paul says do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouths But only words that are good for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen How will it benefit the person on the other side of you?

Because this is what it sounds like to walk in the way of love and follow Jesus The team can come back. I just saw them out the corner of my eye. Yeah, I'm wrapping up to say there's three things I would love you to remember as you head into the week. Our words are not equally weighted. The second one is our choice to build others up or tear them down with our words reflects our heart for Jesus.

That's a challenging one. And your words are a gift. If we can harness those three things and take them into our week, we will be making a difference and recognize the weight of our words on the people around us. So I wonder as a group today, if we can commit to overdosing on positive and encouraging words that will pave the way to speak the truth in love.

Build those intentional relationships so that you have the platform to be able to share in the challenging times, to be able to give challenging feedback. We can only do that if what we share is from a place of love, because this is what it sounds like to follow Jesus. Next week, we will pick up with part two on the weight of our words and look at the next part in our personal conversations.

That we can pack into our life as a Jesus follower to ensure that we are always walking in the way of love. I wonder if you'll pray with me, Father God, I just thank you for these weighty words. Words that encourage us to always share things that are helpful to build others up. And Lord, I pray that you would enable us, Holy Spirit, to recognize the need in others as we go about our day in our own rhythm and routine of life.

Lord, that you would highlight to us the people who need encouragement, the words that they need to hear. And Lord, give us a boldness and a strength to speak into that person, to speak into their lives and over them so that the words that they hear would set them on a new path, a different trajectory, Lord, that they would be impacted by words as if they're coming directly from the heart of God.

And Lord, I pray for all of us. Father, we need you. Lord, we need your guidance and direction to walk in the way of love. Amen. Lord, I pray that you would help us today, Lord, at a personal level, that you would speak to each one of us about what is the next step, where do we have work to do, and then recognize who hopes that we will get to work soon.

Lord, I just thank you for it. We thank you for this opportunity to gather together as family and hear hard things so that we can go away into the world and share the love of Jesus through our words. We thank you in Jesus name.